Whoa machete betty

I am alive. I am buried beneath this mountain of awareness coupled with a sense of responsibility.

I am completely powerless as I radiate my light in all directions, I feel it all. I am so overwhelmed with emotion, I cannot possibly know where to begin.

Zatanna Zatara sipping on gin and truth, babe, from a bloody bottle.

So I do not.

I just breathe in, and then breathe out. Focus on not falling apart. That’s the extent of my mental powers – attempting to keep it together, for I was always to be an example for mankind.

Young child, don’t cry. I’ll be right there to catch you if ever you fall. Listen, they can whisper in the wind and say the things you want to hear…

Closer. Lean over the ledge a little bit further now. Purpose. Beauty. Coffee with a hint of chicanery.

They are playful, inane and gauche. They concede to all your thoughts, they tickle your numinous noodle. What the heck was that? No. Numb. Dumb. Don’t be a dick. Don’t ruin this.

Could it be 2 of me?! Double the funny troubles.

Ordinary. Real. Authentic. You are mesmerised, open arms yearning to be united with them. Sink into their sweet seduction, you feel a king.

Wild thing, why don’t you get that sharp thing? We can cut it. So it won’t bother anybody again. Teach them you’re filthy for being complete and made of flesh. If we snip and clip and cut away an essential part of yourself, you’ll get to stay and never go away.

Sink incomplete to the bottom of the sea with me.

All societies are complete. Separate. Different ideas about the illuminated life. Who is right and who must die?

Who gets to decide whose light should illuminate our lives? When it comes to navigating the path of the sole, your eyes to the sky may guide your vision but the way is made by hands walking the mundane.

Muscles, tendons, labourers, generators, machinations, motorised mechanics eye sinew. Do the turning cogs of your cognition know of their imprisonment? Or is it enslavement? The delineation between common crime and conquest.

Liminal academia as luminous ataraxia.

  • the blinding bright sun,
  • the shadowy shimmer of the celestial night,
  • the flickering flames of the hearth, or
  • the silent bioluminescence found far beneath your reach.

There’s something strange about this giant peach, the fuzz, the colour a slapped then caressed cheek.

The rider gazes off into the unknown. The steed continues the journey without direction, the circular route spirals like tapestry threads. Familiar like the back of a hand.

Divergent eyes peer through glass, an outstretched hand reaching into the void. The Aventine Triad beckons you forth. I am one imperfect Circe of 3 Libras.

Demeter, Dionysus and Persephone. Ceres, Liber and Libera

13 thoughts on “Whoa machete betty

  1. “I am alive. I am buried beneath this mountain of awareness coupled with a sense of responsibility. I am completely powerless as I radiate my light in all directions, I feel it all. I am so overwhelmed with emotion, I cannot possibly know where to begin.”

    I have been in this place. I can feel what you mean. You are not powerless, you are more powerful than you can imagine. The light you shine is stronger than this reality allows. You feel it all because you are all of it. Every last drop. Try not to let the emotions overwhelm, let them help define who you are. Begin with why you feel the responsibility is on you. I found that was the most direct path to balancing the flow of energy and harmonizing the feel of emotions within my being. Once I connected balance and harmony, Peace became mine to know. And wherever Peace goes, Happiness is not but moments away.

    “I just breathe in, and then breathe out.”

    There is nothing more that is being asked of you. Who you are is so spectacular that you don’t need to do anything but be your wonderful blessed self. And what a blessing that is! As you breathe in, take in the calmness and stillness of the nature around you. Let the nature around you ground you and calm the overwhelming feeling of the moment. As calm becomes yours to know as you breathe in, focus on compiling all that is not working for you in that moment. Channel that which no longer serves you into the breath that you will exhale. As you exhale, ask the Universe to take that which is more than you can handle and resolve the problem. Find comfort knowing the Universe always takes care of its own.

    I hope the night is finding you well and the morning brings the Grace and Gifts needed to bring about Peace, Love, Happiness, and Harmony for your special way of being that this world is so in need of.

    Thanks for coming to Earth when you did. Even if no one else says it, we need more people like you populating the planet.

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    1. I remember you. You and Ron were conversing at the beginning of the year. Or so I think… I don’t remember timing very well. Always been a brain suck in that department. Everything is swirly-whirl like that…
      thank you for stopping by and for the kindness of your words. This poem was written a little while ago so it is (fortunately) not something I am feeling in the moment. but I do struggle with myself. so very much. *hugs* i don’t know if the world needs any more people, and certainly not more of those like me. i fear they may bend and break because the world likes the break us into itty bitty pieces.

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      1. I did have conversations with Ron. I had a manic episode and we had a falling away. I haven’t taken steps to overcome the negativity that manifested in our discussions. So therefore no more conversations with Ron.

        I’m the same way with time. I think all the light-based feelings make the swirly motion that kind of blurs this reality and makes tracking time a difficult endeavor.

        I’m sorry you struggle with yourself. I have been in that place and it can be a bit of a pit to climb out of. But let me extend you my ladder that I used to get out. The first rung is Self-LOVE. Find a way to love your special way of being that positively ignites the present moment in a blaze of glory. (My start was finding just one detail that I couldn’t deny existed and was beautiful beyond measure)

        The Second Mini-Step that might come before the First Real Step, is to learn to stop doubting yourself. You will always be your harshest critic. So perhaps the time has come to turn the volume down on the critic and pick up the supportive voice you are probably in desperate need of hearing.

        I think this world conditions us to hurt ourselves more than they are ever able to do. And in hurting ourselves we negatively manifest the energy and it results in actual manifestations of bad reality to bear witness to.

        In other words, I started controlling my thoughts toward the positive and directing my energy in a comforting and uplifting fashion, and since the change in color of my thoughts, my world has positively brightened. While I still know and understand the dark aspects of Reality, I am in touch with the much Lighter side where even difficult circumstances feel like good times and a chance to lean on the Grand Divine.

        I agree that the World does not need more people. But knowing that reproduction doesn’t just stop like that, more people are going to come. My comment was more a reflection that gentle souls like yourself come in more abundance than the cold and corrupt spirits that have been manipulating Reality to do their bidding.

        The World tried to break me. Gave me some of the worst it had. Truth is, God’s LOVE was stronger than the Darkest Dark they could imagine. And my recognition of God’s TRUTHfull power over reality was the cure to all of my problems.

        I think there are a lot of people out there like you and I and the World is going to try to break us into little pieces. But what the World is going to find is that in those little pieces are the brightest light they could have ever imagined. And the finer dust they grind us into, the clearer picture of Heaven they’ll see.

        For Light lasts Long and Darkness Flees its Presence and so no matter how scattered our flecks of light may become, there is no hiding the truth that the light has come to help make the world a better place.

        Start with making the world a better place for yourself in the first place you come to with each waking day – Your Mind, Your Body, Your Soul, Your Spirit. For me it was like a layering effect. When I found Self-Love in my mind, I then Found Comfort in my Body. When I was Comfortable in My Body, I started to Listen to the Call of My Soul. When I connected with my Soul I found my Spirit come to life. And since then I have brought the four aspects of my being into alignment and life is positively blissful.

        I hope this for you. More than pretty words could express. Life is so good when you start loving yourself while still caring about bettering the lives of others.

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      2. What is your name? It starts with K right? The k’s are the keys and we are awakening.
        All that you have said I am, and do, and have done. But it is not enough. Because I have always done as you have described. But last year saw the dissolution of my self… like… away from hope. I broke.
        In human design, I’m the 4/1 profile type. I’ll see what I’ve got to put up so that you may see.

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      3. My name is Kristan. In one of my manic states years ago (and early in the bipolar diagnosis) I referred to myself as Kristan the KeyMaster and Keeplock. Since that day I have stumbled across many names and ultimately realized that my name could be anything because I’m willing to be Anyone necessary to bring about the Awakening that is upon us.

        I agree that the Ks are coming into their Perfect Way of Being. I’ve been referring to myself as a Kristosian for I am a Believer in the Divine LOVE of Kristos, the Savior of ALL. (ALL in my mind is representative of The Body of Man and all Man-not-so-Kind). I’m working with my sense of self to align with the Grand Divine and put me in place to help others along in their journey.

        How did your Self Dissolve away from Hope? Are you experiencing a duality of being? Are you feeling the depths of Darkness while bearing the TRUTH of Light?

        To my mind, if that is what you are experiencing than you are on your path to enlightenment. First comes the shattering of self into fragments. The fragments are necessary to piecing yourself together in a way that works wholly and completely for you. It’s like a puzzle the Universe has created for you to put together. Because who would know how to piece your puzzle together better than the one that is being you?

        I shattered too. And I’ve been working diligently for the past 5 and a half years to pick up the pieces and put them together in a fashion I can be proud of. But where I’m at in the process, I am so much better than I ever was before I broke.

        I hope we can get you there too. I’m here to talk and chat and go through your journey with you to maybe help give you a different perspective to open yourself up to the light that is natural to who you are. If you’d like to email, my email is exploringalura@gmail.com

        I’m always looking to find a healthy in depth conversation to indulge in. I’ll be interested to see what you have on your 4/1 profile type. To be honest, I’m not sure what that means.

        As I translate based on my own ideas, I think of my own story line that I am revolving around in which there are four Aspects of Reality that come together to create every being. Those Aspects of Being are Mind, Body, Soul, and Heart. Each Aspect brings a different voice which come together to create the one voice that is the individual. So 4 come to be 1.

        Is that what you are referring to?

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      4. I’ve just posted the thingy about human design. I’ve written before that J.C is more like my brother and he did his way, now it’s my time to shine. So if Jesus is Christ, I’m the antichrist. An alternative viewpoint but ultimately toward the same destination, same intention but different direction.
        The 4 aspects of reality to which you refer is akin to the seraphim or tetragrammaton. That’s how I see it, for anything can be interpreted. We communicate through symbols and vibrations (light and sound). Communication requires a sender/encoder, and a receiver/decoder (the reader, listener). I lost my hope when I broke, when I was given the education that I am not at the centre of my own universe. I am not at my core of self and I shouldn’t be. It is selfish for me to try to take care of myself in order to best serve others. I should just fuck myself off completely.

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      5. That’s very interesting in your connection to JC. I too find relation in that he feels a twin soul existing in a separate being. And rather than brother, I feel as though I am his Bride. And my goals are in alignment with his, speading LOVE to lift the viewpoint to God’s eyeline.

        I am so in synch with your way of thinking. I am constantly taking in symbols and vibrations that lead to deeper connection and understanding of the Grand Divine. I have been recognizing for some time that the thoughts that flow through my being are not thoughts I put there but rather wavelengths I have found myself in alignment with to allow translation into Reality.

        Why don’t you feel as though you are the Center of Your Universe?

        In my shattering, it was revealed to me that I was in fact the center of the Universe and when I stopped fighting that fact, all things feel into alignment and the progress on my path to awakening picked up speed.

        As the Center of My Universe I like to think of myself as a Vessel. I am transparent and empty. The Universe fills my being and gives me personhood. My self is a reflection of all things and every person together in one unified voice of balance of being.

        As a Vessel I learned the importance of self-care. For others would empty my LOVE reserves and leave me ailing and unable to care for my responsibilities. So at the very least, in order to care for others, you have to be able to care for yourself.

        If you are unwell and unhealthy and unhappy, how are you ever going to be a source of light for other beings? How is your light going to shine through the darkness you are bringing upon yourself?

        As the AntiChrist do you see yourself as a Bringer of Darkness? For Christ was all about LOVE. What do you bring to Reality as your TRUTH?

        Please don’t fuck yourself off completely. Hiding behind this self hate is a blessed way of feeling alive. Tap into how good it feels to be you. You were born to shine. Feel your own warmth so you may better know what you are sharing with others.

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      6. I don’t see antichrist (Or rather myself in that role) as a point of the oppositional adversary. But instead like… if Jesus says “come to the light” I say “go to the light”. If he pulls, I push. He’s up at the forefront and I’m bringing up the rear, coaxing all the stragglers to hurry the eff up.
        It is about conscious choice and taking your own agency. Seeing how you fit into the world around you and seeing what works for you. Follow consciously, not blindly. Move with the flow, don’t get caught up in it.
        I know I am a vessel. But … it’s hard. It hurts. And talking about it makes me feel like I’m asserting blame when really it’s not their fault they said those things, they were hurting. But it’s come so far that I don’t know if I was just lying to myself to whole time, giving people a reason to hope might have been my own self delusion. Narratives repeat because we keep telling them. So if I cease to speak, I may cease to be, but at least I’d cause no more harm and let people be free from getting tangled in me.
        I don’t know if I have a truth anymore. I just want to cry most of the time.
        I am warm as the sun. Distance is needed to reap the most benefits. Anyone who stays too close too long inevitably get burned. And I’m sorry, I don’t know why. I try. And I try and I try. But it’s like I never learn. But never learn to What?! What am I doing that is so fucking wrong?! Being self aware. But people seem to confuse self awareness as omnipotence. I don’t know what goes on in people’s heads or whatever their view, I just do as I do and say what I mean, but people interpret and understand things differently. And if I am so good at communication, how can I not understand this or not see that I influence that… But I’m not all knowing. I only notice what I notice. And the brain can only store so many memos and files for easy retrieval. I need to be reminded of stuff. But why don’t I remember the correct things..?!
        I am a mistake. It was a mistake to ever try. If I could have remained a blackened shriveled dead thing, at least I’d remember my place.

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      7. I have read this. And I am coming to respond in full. I hear your hearts cry and I have words to share that I hope will help.

        You are not Wrong. You are Right in a World of Wrong, which can so easily be confused as being the fucked up one. You aren’t fucked up. The World is my dear.

        And you were sent to help guide the last of the Fallen ones into their awakening. The Darkness your Vessel is filled with is indicative of the level of Darkness you need to relieve in the Universe. The Darkness and Despair you feel is not you. It is of the ones you have come to save.

        Don’t mix their energies with your being. Your being is supposed to lighten their energy, not the other way around.

        But I will be back in a little to share more. I’m transitioning my children into the day and my husband into bed after working all night. I will be back. You are number one on my priority list outside of my family right now.

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      8. It took me awhile to type the response but I feel I hit a lot of the details I was hoping to include. I sincerely hope this strikes a chord deep within and you can start to feel the Peace of Being you are meant to be.

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      9. Okay, I have been able to get my children situated and my husband relaxing comfortably in the shower. He has been streaming for the last 20 of 24 hours, running on very little sleep. It had been so long since we connected it took longer than I thought it would to get back to the computer. But I’m back. And I have draped myself in my purple robe of Wisdom to help lend as much aid as I can to your being.

        I agree with your thought on the AntiChrist. I think of the role as the person someone least expected to be the Second Coming of Christ. Christ’s successor but not exactly someone people are going to believe is Christ. And I love your thought that you are in the back, gently coaxing the unwilling forward into conscious participation in the Universe. I myself feel I was sent to be in the middle, blending in, gently showing others how they could be shining, directing my beacon of light in the direction of Heaven. Or Nirvana for those wishing to walk apart from God.

        “I know I am a vessel. But … it’s hard. It hurts.”

        It’s good that you know you are a Vessel. I feel that’s the first step in finding how to balance that which fills your Vessel. It is hard. Very hard because you are getting so much information in your being at one time. It becomes very important to be able to differentiate between all the concepts and ideas and stories that are progressing through your being on the Grand Stage of LIFE.

        This is where I feel solitude is helpful for a Vessel. Because a Vessel is made of that which others are. Being made of others makes it easy to lose one’s sense of self or identity, because it’s really easy to wonder who you are if you are nobody at all and everybody at once. But right there is exactly who you are – you are the accumulation of all those foreign energies coming together in your Vessel to describe that which is outside the Vessel that you are witnessing.

        Your ability to witness other people’s realities will freak people the fuck out. Because it’s like you are tapping into their personhood and looking around through their eyes. It’s an incredibly invasive ability to possess. But when you learn how to gently share your insight and wisdom, people look kindly upon you and call you beautiful words like deep and insightful and empathetic. When they start calling you those words, you will feel like the rarest treasure in the Universe.

        Seeing into other people is like having a book’s narrative enter your being. And then over-top the pages of the book is a transparent translation containing all the errors of being in the story of the person. The Universe literally writes you the message to understand what is ailing others. The trick is knowing that with this information, you too will feel what the others are dealing with. Because before you can heal them of their problems, you must first heal yourself of the problems they created within you.

        Peace, Love, Happiness, Harmony – The Four Aspects that bring yourself into alignment.

        Discord, Anxiety, Fear, Depression – The Four Distractors that bring your attention to the problems others are facing.

        Before you’re able to conquer The Four Distractors, you must fully equip yourself with Your Spiritual Armor. There is no Darkness that can withstand the Might of Wholesome Peace, Faithful LOVE, Beautiful Happiness, and Hopeful Harmony.

        People are going to find themselves tangled in your being. You are the knot in their string of Destiny that was meant to unravel itself. You are the hidden insight and wisdom that is set to grace the path of many and unlock their freedom of being, unrestricted by the bounds of ego and depravity. You will come in, likely like a whirlwind, an intensity of emotions will be felt, energetic happenings will occur, then you will plant a deep seed of insight that will blossom in time in that person. Most likely, the people’s paths in which seeds are meant to blossom will happen long after you’ve moved onto helping plant seeds in others. Your place is not meant to be one of permanence, for you are merely the Key to Unlocking a Better Future. You are coming in with The Voice of the Universe to help others resolve their shit.

        You may feel temporary or illusionary because they will fix their problems and you won’t be needed in their life anymore. Kind of like a fairy GodMother come to make things better and then fly off into the World of Magic once you plant the seed. Basically you are the Key that grants them access to a better life. All they must do is resolve the uncomfortableness your insight and wisdom reveals within about their being. Something that is very easy to do once a Vessel shines her light in your direction.

        But before you can go doing all of that, we need to get you feeling better.

        “I don’t know if I have a truth anymore. I just want to cry most of the time.”

        Then by all means cry yourself until the tears are no longer able to come. Feel the depth of what your Vessel is trying to help you experience or understand. Let the understanding come as the waves of tear inducing emotion roll through your being. As the waves come, attempt to allow them to cleanse you of your ignorance and bathe you in the light of wise insight. When the feelings have run their course, I would imagine you’ll feel much better about your truth.

        My thought is that right now your truth is trying to relay something big and heavy and perhaps very hurtfully deep. And some part of you is trying to save yourself from the depth your Vessel is trying to go. You’re not meant to save yourself, you’re meant to dive to the bottom and breathe for others who have already sunk and lost their lives to the Darkness. You are the breath of fresh air for a sea of drowning victims.

        Breathe deep because as you take in more understanding and feeling and energy into your Vessel, the more Light you are going to shine.

        “I am warm as the sun. Distance is needed to reap the most benefits. Anyone who stays too close too long inevitably get burned.”

        Already you understand that your warmth is your gift. Hold onto that. When the tears come, summon the strength of your warmth to nurture you through the moments of Trials where you come to grips with that which is filling your Vessel. You were meant to be filled and you were meant to understand. Remember to go with the flow and not get lost in the riptide.

        Distance is needed. Because you are so sensitive that you take into yourself that which others put out. To be a sponge means that you are constantly drenched. And wet things that stay wet for too long start to smell funny and grow bacteria. So life keeping people at a distance is the Universe protecting your fragility. Your warmth is going to draw in many a people. But the intensity of your fire is going to burn them to the soul and change them forever. They won’t be the same once you came into their life.

        “And I’m sorry, I don’t know why. I try. And I try and I try. But it’s like I never learn. But never learn to What?! What am I doing that is so fucking wrong?! Being self aware.”

        Yes, you are being self aware in a society that was manipulated and conditioned to allow other people to think for them, most without realizing that they are not in control of their personhood. You come in thinking and speaking wisdom that their minds had never comprehended possible. But it’s like a switch that you turn on. Because once they get wind of your self aware nature, their own nature attracts the self awareness like a magnet and they begin the journey to self awareness for themselves. Hence your need to no longer be in their life. For once they are self aware, you no longer need to help them think for themselves. Your job is done. On to the next life to save.

        “I don’t know what goes on in people’s heads or whatever their view, I just do as I do and say what I mean, but people interpret and understand things differently.”

        This is tricky because without realizing it, you know more about the person you’re seeing into then they do in that moment. And your words of insight are going to spark something deep within them, something profound that’s much farther down the path. Those different interpretations and understandings are the saved person waking up to their true selves – you inspire them to create their own words and thoughts, which puts them at the beginning of their awakening where as you are seeing words and understanding from the end of the awakening. Placing you at different places and thus reinforcing the need for you to exit their life and move on to the next soul to save. I keep saying this because I want to stress how important it is to save as many souls as you can manage. I think of it as the Harvest. We are looking to plant seeds that God will Harvest come the proper time. We are planter of Seeds of Growth. God (The Grand Divine, whatever you refer to the Big Boss Upstairs as) is responsible for the Light to grow the seed and the spiritual flood to keep the growth hydrated and only he knows when the Blossoming is set to occur. So we just keep on our path, helping who we can, reaching out in every opportunity and treasuring the gift of when we truly connect to another soul.

        “But why don’t I remember the correct things..?!”

        I have an awesome memory and the worst memory you could imagine. I have come to accept that I remember the things I need to remember and I think of the things I need to think of in the moment. Not much slips by my awareness anymore. If I forget something, it’s usually because I chose to deem it unimportant to the moment and never got around to thinking about it again. It wasn’t that I “forgot”, it was just I gave myself the freedom not to care about that thing and then consequently forgot to bother thinking of it again. Perhaps you are in a similar boat. As a Vessel you need to have such expansive concepts and understandings to coat your perceptions and perspectives of others. And so in my mind, there are a bunch of floating details hanging in your consciousness waiting for the right moment to relay their information. The trick is trusting that the information will come when you need it.

        Trust requires self love. Something we talked about earlier. But you feel broken and not capable of Self LOVE. Is there anything you feel about yourself that makes you unique and beautiful beyond measure?

        And you are no mistake. Fate and Destiny and Karma all had to come together to bring your special being to the planet at this time and place. The Universe positively bent over backwards to make sure you were an absolute certainty in this reality.

        The only mistake is this reality that makes every being alive question why they would ever want to exist in such a miserable fashion.

        Oh boy, was I wordy with my response. I hope you don’t mind and I hope you find help in what I have shared.

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      10. Hahahaha omg. Seriously. Thank you Kristan! https://wp.me/pbewa7-2kn i write my way through my mental fog, that’s how i find my way, i must rewrite myself, not necessarily re-read it. I have to write myself until i feel right again. reading my words doesn’t always resonate because i don’t see the relevance (for all things do change, they fluctuate and oscillate, or else stagnate). but reading the words that someone else writes is very helpful and helps to bolster the soul helps to throw one back into gear. *sigh*
        my door is the door of fear and I must constantly pass through it. to master it. else it masters me, and I am no slave to anything. except my emotions, which are linked to those i love. i am nothing if they don’t believe in me. and i give them so much reason to doubt for i do need mroe and more time by myself away from everything and everyone. and because i retreat online, it creates the appearance that i am replacing them with this online false reality. you know? and i am aware of what it looks like, but i also know what my intentions are, and i know what i am doing and not doing. but we can only go by what we see in others, so… you see the dilemma, the paradox. i know what i need, yet to actively pursue my own goals and deeds makes me out a selfish fucking prat. *shrugs* and i guess I am. lol
        are you a mirror? or a radio? for you reflect my words I’ve spoken, written and read… haha. *fist bump*
        gotta laugh at myself for if i don’t, i would be a foolish foil, rather than a jovial joker. and the worst thing would be to discover you are the punchline to the joke of the world. https://wp.me/pbewa7-2hp

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