From the blind one leading the deaf and the numb.

I have been at a loss lacking for words these past decadays. And the one thing I did post (that wasn’t scheduled) was an outright mess. Much like myself. It didn’t make sense and I guess that was a perfect representation of me – I don’t make sense.

It really depends on how much of me you are seeing, or how much of me I’m trying to squeeze into such an uninspired blog post minuet moment.

Basically punching the keys because I’ve been told that repeated efforts will yield just rewards. Just like repeatedly bashing one’s skull against a wall will break either the brick or your cranium.

That’s so dumb.

Apparently that shows character and fortitude. It reveals an inner strength and righteous certainty that given enough repetitions of the exact same thing will eventually reap a different and intended glorious result.

That sounds like insanity to me. Nothing will change unless you change. And if you know yourself and what works and what doesn’t, why must I conform to your rule of law? There is no code nor spirit I have broken with my meta-monologues of this whingey whinehouse.

I was hospitalised over a week ago. I was only in there for a couple of days. My husband called for an ambulance to take me. My diabetes was flaring up in that my hands and feet were in excruciating pain, I was nauseous and dry wretching, and felt faint. I just wanted to die.

I was on the brink of DKA. Not as bad as my first two instances of it though. Ketones were at 1.8 mmol/L instead of almost 3 mmol/L like at the start of August.

And I wanted to die. You see, I stopped taking my insulin for a few days. I was ready to pass up on this life, throw it all away. Because there is this thing that’s inside of me that truly hates myself and seeks to cause myself harm. It’s not crazy crazy shit or anything. It’s just myself and my inner defeated self ready to give up on breathing.

I feel so empty

Box Car Racer – I feel so

I feel everything so much, my heart seizes and freezes and jumps and I feel it in my abdomen. I can feel like… I can trace these sensations through my body, although I don’t know if they’re really anything. They could be tricks of the mind when one is desperate for life.

I am alive. Im not dead, nor undead inside. What i mean though is i am desperate to feel like… its all right. That i am all right. That i am okay to be the way that i am.

That for all my fucking fortune and luck, what i was born with and without… the lucky ducky girl whom the heavens smiled down upon (literally… that was fucking terrifying) and so was blessed to always fit in because she was stitched together from the off-cuts of everybody’s secret unrealised sins…

In Deuteragony: Inside Ankh Outsider

Oh poor little rich girl, so contrary in naive maturity. Do not tut your head while wearing your smile of feigned knowing for you know nothing – at least not all of it. How could you? Unless you know this feeling too. Maybe you’ve lived part of it, or that edge tripping, borderline shadow stream is your point of origin, too…?

Luck just came from me, I don’t know how to make epoch nor tales of it. All I know is that stuff just happens around me, and lines of reality become blurred where I have to accept your version based on your vision’s authority, but also deny my own essence, brand myself a liar because my vision varied from your own.

It’s so funny because those who feel they have been ousted by the other are mere mirror facets of each other. So we laugh and slap our backs and thighs. What a chortle, omg you guys. Then you two kiss and make up, Venusaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa WTF?! It’s me, Mercury! Little Amy Sailor Scout. What the heck was that for?

I’m re-enacting my imagined exchange, the part where you two turn and accuse the thingy universally tied up in your bedclothes to be of me and magic carpet over there?

Yikes yikes yikes yikes. I have to stop here. I’m losing myself, splitting apart, my solipsistic sibylline syllaba anceps psyche poiesis physic somatic …. my words, my word, why are you escaping my rasped grasp? Return toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo that I may wield thee with appropriate skill and deft …

19 thoughts on “From the blind one leading the deaf and the numb.

  1. I have read this and I want to comment. Time has just not allowed me the time I need at the computer to do so. I’m coming back because I feel I have words to share that can help the feeling this post inspired in me.

    I’m sorry you are feeling so out of sorts. Know this moment will pass and a better one is around the corner. The only thing is getting through this moment and brightly as you can and onto the next one which can be even better than the previous.


  2. “It didn’t make sense and I guess that was a perfect representation of me – I don’t make sense.” I would like to dig into with you why you feel you don’t make sense. This is an interesting facet of your personality. When I was deep in the throes of bipolar and going loony tooney all over the internet, I never felt that my stuff didn’t make sense. I never felt that I wasn’t making sense. No matter how broken the pieces were and how fragmented my mind had become, there was always the calm confidant strength that I was what I was meant to be in the moment I was in.

    I’m curious why you feel you don’t have that yourself. You certainly seem to understand your spiritual heritage, why is that not a comfort to your personhood? Knowing how much it took to create you and how everything had to perfectly align to bring you into being – why would you ever think something so significantly special doesn’t make sense. Things HAD to make sense for you to be. And if things made sense to make you, you make sense out of simple logic. The only thing not making sense is why you are feeling out of sorts.

    Which brings me to your next words that pull forth inspiration to share in your direction – ” Nothing will change unless you change.”

    Your thoughts seem to be controlling your perspective and when your thoughts get whirling, you start feeling out of sorts. The simplest thing to do is start reigning in the out of control nature of your thoughts. Start funneling those words in a certain direction and my recommendation is to take that direction in what ever way best expresses that which swirls inside you in the moment it needs expressed. I don’t recommend bottling or pretending you aren’t feeling what you are feeling. Instead I’m advocating for digging into the words filling your vessel and making sense of the overwhelming truth that is inherent to your being.

    If your thoughts are out of control, you will likely feel out of control. Nothing will change until you give yourself back control of that which is a struggle for you in the moment.

    For instance in the words that you felt didn’t make sense, quite like you don’t make sense. Write those words in their purest form while you are feeling expressing those words. Then when you come down out of that state come back to those “out of this world” wording and translate it into common man understanding – make sense of the prophetic words you are sharing.

    I think making sense of your words will help you feel better about these next words that struck me, “Because there is this thing that’s inside of me that truly hates myself and seeks to cause myself harm.”

    Perhaps you hate yourself because you don’t feel you fully understand yourself. And in that confusion and misunderstanding comes much room for negativity and hate. Self-loathing is the worst because it gives your literal personhood no safe place in the world.

    I would like to flip that perspective of hating yourself to loving yourself. I used to be a self-hater and I was able to flip my thinking and I can tell you life is infinitely better the moment you stop being your own worst enemy. What else would you call yourself when you are quite literally willing to take you out of the Grand Stage of LIFE?

    These words stood out next: “I am alive. Im not dead, nor undead inside. What i mean though is i am desperate to feel like… its all right. That i am all right. That i am okay to be the way that i am.”

    You, yourself, typed the words that are going to be your saving grace. I am alive. I’m not dead nor undead inside. I am just desperate to feel that I am alright. That I am okay the way I am.

    You are okay the way you are. The only thing that is not okay is that you are busy telling yourself how unokay you are. The change that needs to happen is we need to flip the color of your thoughts. Get you thinking how awesome it feels to be just the way you are and off of how uncomfortable or out of sorts it feels to be in your body.

    Your words: “the lucky ducky girl whom the heavens smiled down upon” Here is your source of truth that can help you feel better if you but choose to feel as divinely special as your thoughts are telling you that you are. Hint: You are actually that fucking special. Perhaps on some deep level you don’t believe how special you are. Let me share some words I shared with someone feeling something similar:

    “You aren’t just a number. You are you. And who you are is singularly unique in this wondrous world of endless possibilities. Beyond all the possibilities that could have been, you were the only one that came as you. There is no one that has your perspective, that has your outlook, that has lived your life. No matter how many billions of people there may be, not a single one of them is like you.

    And while others may be living their lives, they each have their own journey. Journeys aren’t about doing something that is worthy of remembering, the journey is about defining what it is to be you. To live in each moment, take it in for all its worth and then appreciate what it is that makes this moment special to you. Your life is about imprinting your existence upon the Universe for you are a special fragment of the Universe’s United Wholeness.

    So much of this society conditions us to think that we are alike and in that sameness so many get lost thinking themselves just another number. But you aren’t a number, you are ONE. The ONLY ONE that will ever know what it is to be you. And if you are busy thinking yourself no one special, how is it you’re ever going to know how wonderful your life could be? In the history of humanity, only certain names get remembered and based on the stories we are choosing to remember, if you make the hands of time to have your name remembered, you are likely a big douche bag that used unfair advantages to manipulate the world around you.

    The nice guys, the gentle men, the nurturers, the caretakers, the ones that are actually making a difference in people’s lives aren’t out there chasing fame and a forever legend, they are out the being a living legend making real differences in real people’s lives knowing that every heart they touch is one more heart that will never forget they came, no matter the passage of time.”

    Not all of this directly applies to you but I share it because I feel the sentiment is there to help you feel better about yourself which I believe is the key to getting you through this down place you allow your mind to take you.

    I have shared an abundance of words but I chose each of them because I hope they can help you. I am also going to take to the email response you said and craft more words directed specifically at what you shared there.

    More thoughts and positivity and appreciation for who you are coming from my direction, straight at your hurting heart.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know what im talking about so my words make sense to me, but i also see how disjointed and confusing my thought-path appears. I dont have a vision or journey or message half the time. Im just “wildly waving my inflatable arms while running and wailing” in the throes of the moment, laughing at my own silliness and jokes. And i stop and look around, and realise all my friends left me for dead. I remember how polarising i am and thats where i feel my sadness and pain.

      In my experience, or atleast so it seems to be here in australia, people feel like such individuals that they are seeking to connect to others. To fit in, but be recognised as individuals. Not stand out, but stand at all i guess.


      1. I’m just now realizing that I never came back to this but perhaps that’s because I was going to make my way back now. Which in this moment I am busy creating a post that records all of my interactions with you. I am including links to your posts that inspired the words I shared with you. I have been including a summarized interpretation of the words you shared in my direction because I didn’t know how you would feel about me sharing your specific words. I have a feeling you’ll be chill as fuck about it but I would rather generalize so as to give people a reason to click through to the specifics. But if not, let me know and I can just keep this post private. I’m nowhere near close to releasing it but was here working through our words and so wanted to let you know what I was up to.


      2. I posted our words in 3 chapters and it’s only getting started. I called it Words Around Kali because when I talk to you I feel like I am talking to the ancient Goddess Kali. I also liked that it was my initials backwards which floats my boat because me backwards will straighten your negative perspective and get you shining the way you could be.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. What are your initials?? I only know you as KW. So i dunno. I just finished reading the third post!!! Ive been an insomniac for a few weeks/months and this morning (and last night) ive just slept! Its 12:18pm now. Like holy moly dude, you know i wouldve already replied to you haha.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. My initials are KAW. Kristan Anne (The Anointed Follower of Kristos, Full of Grace)

        I’m so thankful you liked them. I enjoyed going through and memorializing our interactions. I’m looking forward to more of that.


      5. Aaaaaaaaaahgggggggghhhhhhhh!!!! Ann (without an E) is my middle name!!!!! I have grace somewhere, but perhaps i am the inverse. I am full of love, but move with grace. 🤔 hehrhe. It certainly makes me feel appreciated.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Absolutely we are both Ann(e)s. We are mirror and mirrors need their cores to be identical so that they may reflect the other properly.

        Perhaps without the E you struggle with Euphoria. Over on my end, having bouts of euphoria that are lasting months at a time. If that’s not Grace, I wouldn’t know what is.

        Let’s get you the Euphoria. It’s the holy cleansing fire I spoke of previously.

        Liked by 1 person

      7. I was named after my paternal grandmother Annikki. When she anglicised her name, to fit in, assimilation, she became Anni. My first mame already ends in a vowel/consonant. And my legal name ends in an E. So im good. I know my true name and feel its power and knowing that i am loved or appreciated anyway, that gives me the strength to stand. Its just been 9 or so months since i last wore this meta-mecha-psykisuit so gotta work out them kinks and bugs. Hahaha
        In my birthname, i have 15 unique letters i can draw from. With 7 additional letter from my immediate bloodlines (maternal, paternal, and offspring). 15+7=22.
        Also, the alphabet has 26 letters, so 26-15=11… 15/11 is my birthday.
        Thank you for the euphoria, i can certainly use all i can get. Its tough being the me that i am considering all the bullshit that gets peddled down through history to confuse and blind the masses. Not only am i reversed, i am inside out and skewed oblique. I must contort myself in innumerable ways to be seen to be seen. And it seems the programming is so damn deep that after i leave, i am forgotten and the silhouette that remains becomes some sort of figure of shame. No one says my name, or they turn away. Bah.

        Liked by 1 person

      8. “I know my true name and feel its power and knowing that i am loved or appreciated anyway, that gives me the strength to stand.” There is much strength to be found in not only knowing the truth of your being but boldly accepting it for all of its details and being happy in that acceptance. I truly hope you hold these words you crafted to be a deep truth of your being. For it is your words that will bring the good feelings in every micromoment possible.

        Euphoria is the dose of everything you ever needed to feel to make you believe that they all got it wrong and it is absolutely worth trying something new that feels better than the broken system they’re peddling these days.

        Once you come, there is no forgetting the brightest flame. Trust your spark and ignite your flameblower. You were meant to burn this mutha down in holy righteous fire!

        There’s no shame in playing the game.

        So step up and take your turn, there’s many lessons to learn.

        Remember to have fun, for you are the Sun(shine)!

        Liked by 1 person

      9. Oh my, that means a fucking great deal to me. I am often used to being the facade for others to hide behind. Or give them something to look up to or forward. Thus why ive always sort of felt hollow inside, it was a place people could unload their troubles and rest for a while. A keeper of secrets, they left their pain and identities with me, and left me feeling free. And i have all theae memories which are nice, but still somewhat lonely. And so whenever i speak about something i know or remember, one sliver or splinter of a secret might fall out with it,but its so tangled up with my own, i dont know what i dont remember or whatever… i need to go through the steps and specific lines of questioning to orient the other to see where and how this thing that looks like its mine, it isnt really mine. Or… maybe it is. I didnt realise that was there or how it seemed. I tried to be honest about me, but these attachments are not of me. Im not holding on to them, theyre just… there. Ugh. I hope that made sense. Haha. You have made me feel better. (Hugs)

        Liked by 1 person

      10. I like to think of myself as a mirror. My being reflects that which is being put before me. I feel the difference be seeing the errors between their code and my own. My code was made perfect, their code allows for deviations. I look for the deviations from my perfection and I start to ask questions, get them talking about why they deviate. Then I start digging into how that deviation makes them feel. I attempt to get the thing being reflected to talk to me about their problems rather than me telling them what I have in me. When I do that, it tends to weird people out. So now I play the guessing game of asking the right question that will get the right response to head their mind in the right direction to healing themselves of pain and suffering.

        I felt moved to share this in response to you because what I took from your words was that you were having trouble differentiating between yourself (The Vessel) and that which temporarily fills the Void within.

        This is where I think we need to get you started loving yourself again. Because until you find the parameters of what makes you your Vessel, there will always be confusion when someone comes along and shares their energy for you to take in.

        I hope this makes sense. I’m worried I may be off tangent.

        I am so glad you are feeling better. I’m glad that you finally got sleep. I get really crazy when I go long periods without sleep. Try to heed the call of your body to keep your mind stable. Rest regularly. Be Peaceful Often. Find the Balance between us and them. Appreciate your Blessings. Love your life.

        That’s how I think we get you staying in a positive mental space.


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