I’ve been really at war with myself lately, engaged in this inner conflict about continuing this blog and what I want to achieve. I have many half-started entries and ideas only I never actually complete anything because I eventually crumple under all my self doubt.
I do nothing without a justifiable reason, I am lazy and why would I subject myself to write something that won’t be read? To clarify, I don’t necessarily crave a large audience or public adoration. It is more akin to what purpose would the writing even serve. Will it be of potential value to anyone? Or am I just doing this as a massive ego wank?
Chiron is the archetype of the wounded healer. It is a centaur (asteroid with an irregular/unstable orbit) between Saturn and Uranus. Chiron’s placement in our natal charts reveals our inner pain, where we get totally butt-hurt in our lives.
The wounded healer: Chiron.
In mythology, Chiron was a centaur (half-horse, half-man hybrid) who was a wise teacher, a skilled healer, and he was also immortal. One unlucky day he accidentally gets shot with one of Hercules’ poison arrows but since he can’t die, he just gets to suffer in agony. Yay.
For all the good he can do, dude can’t help himself. Chiron, unable to endure the pain any more, offers to swap places with Prometheus (who being punished in Tartarus for sharing the gift of fire with mankind), thus giving up his immortality for Prometheus’s freedom.
Some say it was a noble sacrifice. Ever the cynic that I am, I think maybe it was the first sanctioned doctor assisted suicide (Chiron was the doctor and after failing to fix himself after 9 days, he just wanted to fucking die). So yeah, that’s the energetic resonance of this planet: what doesn’t kill you will make you wish that it did…
But! Dear readers, instead of wallowing and making your pain someone else’s, you actually heal yourself through helping others.
Chiron in my natal chart
Chiron is retrograde and located in Gemini, my second house.
- Mercury is the ruler of Gemini, Venus is the ruler of the 2nd house.
- Both of those planets are in Scorpio, in my 7th house.
- And both of those planets are retrograde. Woot.
My soul wounds may appear barely perceptible to others as they’re all inner struggles that tend to belie my exterior disposition. I hate to be more of a bother than I already am.
Chiron in Gemini is reflective of struggling to express yourself. This probably started in childhood and has been an ongoing issue in your life. Being highly sensitive and perceptive in combination with loving company and desiring the social leaves you feeling unsure where others end and you begin. Integration of self in the material plane is the biggest struggle as it feels emotionally, psychologically and spiritually difficult to find and express your sense of self as separate from others. In an attempt to explore boundaries you have often felt rejected by friends, family and lovers feeling emotionally cast out and a paining sense of isolation. This can manifest in the psychological where too much focus on how your thoughts can effect change in others can turn in an addictive and mind imprisoning obsession.Femme as Fuck
CHIRON IN THE 2ND HOUSE – indicates extreme interest in balance, a strong proselytizing urge, a desire to define values that can be healing for others, if you do not take sharing those values too dogmatically. The preacher who creates values in others. Presents the need for you to recognize that all persons are unique. This placement can be beautiful as it offers an unselfconscious compassion of all humanity.Pathway to ascension
CHIRON IN GEMINI – indicates “a personal crisis about integration here on Earth, which affects balance and the nervous system greatly. [You] are highly attuned to the consciousness of individuals around [you] and to mass awareness.” You are a natural teacher and communicator. Richard Nolle stated: “Awareness is the keynote for persons born under this CHIRON sign, whose prime existential mission is to understand the way we think in order to effect changes in our mental realities.” Your Soul intends that you learn our thoughts create our reality. Therefore, we can change our reality with our thoughts. Self-discipline is essential in achieving balance as you are innately attuned to the sudden changes that Uranus can bring. Change for change’s sake accomplishes little, or nothing, of significance—thus the need for self-discipline.Pathway to ascension
How does this type of energy present itself in my life?
Acknowledgement, mindfulness, self awareness, and acceptance. The only way to heal yourself and be free of is not to cut parts away, but to recognise them. Know yourself to know how to better yourself. Know what works for you, be honest. All of them, for yourself.
I struggle with a lot of self doubt, self esteem and self worth issues.
I also find that I particularly struggle with my communication, which is such a joke that I’m trained as a high school English teacher.
You may or may not see it in my writing. I am articulate. I am literate. But when everything is connected and can mean anything anyway? I have to explain myself a dozen different ways so people understand my perspective, my use of metaphors.
Repeating myself in circles is such second nature, i often lose track of where I was going. And if someone doesn’t acknowledge they understand me, I’ll just keep on going.
I often have to repeat myself in what I meant, having to explain and define (and redefine!) what I mean when I use certain words, particularly because of my stupid-ass scatter brain just appropriates and associates between words too free and loosely. It’s not that I don’t say what I really mean, it seems to be more that people don’t know what I mean.
I’m so used to filling the silent air. I am an only child and I was a loner growing up, i didn’t know how to relate to kids my age. So I just have always kept my own company…
I can easily relate to people, I don’t mind talking to others. However I feel I often stumble on my words. And although I tend to understand precisely what the other person may mean, I often feel that I can never find the right words to express myself in a way that other people will understand.
I don’t like asking for help as that would be a sign of weakness, incompetence and thus I would be undeserving. I do not want to be more of a burden or hindrance than I already am.
If I am at the shopping centre, I never ask for assistance from a retailer. I seem to have this really limiting self view that I would rather go without than actually to ask someone to look for a product. I’d rather take a longer time doing something on my own than to bother asking someone for help with something on the possibility of saving a few minutes.
I know I am awkward, I know I explain things weird, I know struggle to communicate a single train of thought in any simple and coherent way. But you know what? I never really used to care what anyone else thought of me. Whatever other people think about me really doesn’t matter – because I have no self worth as it is.
Honestly, it comes down to my own very complex relationship I have with myself. You see, I have so much self loathing inside me that I know no one could ever love (or hate) me more than I already hate myself.
Wow, that sounds so much bleaker and pathetic than I intended. I don’t really hate myself, I guess. I’m ok, I guess. But I do not have any value. I do not feel I have any value. I want to believe that I do, that I matter, but… It’s very complicated. I know with my brain that logically and rationally I have value, but it is not something that I feel in my heart…
I am scared to believe I have value. I cannot allow myself to think I have any worth. I will not fall into that trap again. I cannot open my heart because I don’t want to be misunderstood, misrepresented, or mistaken…
Chiron and Venus conjunct in Aries
It’s kind of funny that as I’ve been working on Chiron in my natal chart, I never even realised the transits of the current planets until just now. Huh. Thanks for your blog post about the venus conjunction chiron, Astro butterfly.
- Chiron just needs to be loved and Venus needs to feel loved.
- Mercury doesn’t get why we can’t just love each other? You know, live and let live. Love, know, trust. That kind of stuff.
Because people judge or lash out at others when there is a personal point of pain or sensitivity activated/triggered within the themselves. And personal experience tends to guide everybody’s tendencies and behaviours. People don’t trust or know or love because they don’t…