I am a fucking mess. I never know how to lay myself clear, linear thought like words on a page fucking SUCKS because in my head and heart, everything is connected. Circular. Spiral in and out, hokey pokey shaking all about.
I can only Express the path that I took to get here. I don’t know how to explain just only the vital essence or the message that everyone should take. I dont know what I’m trying to say because I’m trying to say multiple things at once.
Perfectionism doesn’t exist. That’s just only your point of view. See it more like: my stuff may not be perfect for me because of my BS (believe system) but it may be the best for someone else.Marge, from Energy is Everything
Well, okay Marge. If you think this is a not-shit idea… I’ll try it your way..
This post? 2 parts. The first relates to my current thoughts and feelings. My present self and ideas.
The second half was originally written in 2018 when i first began blogging on WordPress. By publishing it again here, I am hoping to revive that inner transistor, flip it back to a positive polarity.
- Lather – Timeline. Relevant to my apocalypse
- Rinse – Reflection on my failure
- Repeat – Republish my ideology, initiate my intentions.
- Always repeat.
Uranus sinks into Tartarus.
previously, on the time of my lives, get into lines. a timeline, summary of sorts. what brought me to the moment as i entered taurus.
- 2018 – slowly at first, the splintering of a solar scale.
- spiritual psychosis. when all of a suddenly, the walls aren’t even half the man that’s left of me. Here I came tumbling down in the city that we loved.
- Spiritual epiphany! awakening of own divinity through apotheosis, contemplation and poetry.
- the good news filled my spirit, nourished my soul, activated subsystem psycho-sibyl physical self-destruct protocol…?
- 2019 – got carried away with me, inner growth and outer ascete.
- nergal decays manifest chaostic goddess of sunshine and shit… I want them to burn burn burn burn burn, all their smug self-serving pseudo-noot-selves.
- manifolded and manifested my weapons of this psychic warfare.
- this is what happens when i’m left unsupervised, when we’re almost convinced i’ve been rehabilitated – the angel of death doesn’t know when to quit. or how to quit, or if she even started…
- I don’t know what i’m doing and such is my expertise.
- I’m the dense commander of danse maccabree, here to electrify your mind together. Shock shock therapy, my magnetic mind reverses polarities.
- 2020 – i’m still here, though less and less.
- i hate every word i say, but i am obsessed with my projected circle and drain.
- there was something of pressing importance, i once believed. Oh how foolishly i was played by the game… I lost something i had to share and to say, but whats difference does it make? no one listens anyway.
- i know everything and give sound advice, but that doesn’t mean shit. Jackpot calling all kettles black, i mutliply the potential payout if you can resist my vice of my voice
Yesterday, Judd asked me how my cult was going. I laughed. St Code piped up that he remembered that thing.
I smiled, sighed, and told them I had disbanded it…
I didn’t have a holy text to back me up and I had pretty much died on the inside as no one seemed able to understand what I was trying to achieve.
Sure I had people who seemed to agree with me, but in trying to explain the whole meta- thingy of it all (gestures all around, spirit fingers, everything and nothing, existential stuff), being constantly questioned and criticised, I started to believe my nay-sayers. I was full of shit. That I was deluded from reality, caught up in my big joke that nobody gets. My greatest satire was too serious, heavily steeped in the bad touch symbolism.
I think about why I’m still on WordPress, and what the fuck am I trying to say? It’s still the same shit I have said before.
But even I struggle to locate my words in the poorly organised and haphazardly filed archive of written whatevers… so it does no good, my garden is made of air plants, strewn upon this
If I am to make any lick of sense and wield the directions of the winds again… I must get over my pride, be the adversary again. That is how I am a companion, I never leave well enough alone.
Erecting the southern celestial pillar
The AntiKreyest is just a namesake. Look beyond the surface
Cult of Personality, former Queen of Cups, perceive the palace of fortunae along the Kim Beryl path.
Mystery Regia, shadow commander of Swords, practice practice praxis is required to the pseudo-psycho path of the subtle art of psychic power.
This has been sitting in my drafts since 6th November 2019.
The following is basically my whole thing that makes up the majority of my psyche. Or basically, the method to my madness, my inspiration and ideology, my own tree of the knowledge of good and evil, the root of my knowledge and information.
This shit is basically just how I have lived my life and why I’m such a credible source of wisdom, apparently. But I do want you to you know, trust me. I may be a spin doctor, but it’s just words. I’ve put my own spin on things, that’s how we survive our own trauma and pitfalls and failures. I’ll be your angel of death, your spin doctor of anecdotes. But ultimately I just want to teach you how to do all of this *spinning around* god-like abilities for yourself. It’s not information for the elite and powerful. WE ARE ALL EQUAL.
Enjoy your differences, because that is what makes you beautiful. Difference makes us beautiful, difference doesn’t make us less.
I found the goddess in me, and I’ve worked “chaos magic” my whole life without even fucking realising it. SO! This whole blog has always been me just doing my fucking thing anyway?
I cannot be sued for stating my opinion. I can be sued for defamation. So, you all know how I like to defame god? God cannot sue me. But you all know anyway that I love to show appreciation and love FOR PEOPLE?! If you are a person, then you have nothing to worry about. 🙂 Only crazy scary reptilian alien life forms have anything to worry about from me.
We’re all worth loving, and living, and having the same opportunities. But equal opportunities doesn’t mean equal success rate. But failures shouldn’t stop anyone from fucking trying, or having their shot. I failed in areas that should have been easy, and succeeded in areas that should have been hard. I’ve been ostracised and socially shat on for “being lucky”. *shrugs* I don’t know, that’s not something I control.
I believe we make our own luck. But it doesn’t help to have luck on your side. How do you make luck? I dunno. I’m trying to figure out that as I go. I’ve always kind of backwards mapped shit, so that’s why I’m here. Sharing you my process. Which is a bit backwards and twisted and warped sometimes. But I bet a whole bunch of you can probably relate to SOME PART, if not all parts of my story.
I want to speak out for the outcasts, the outsiders, the misfits, the down trodden, the forgotten, the unloved, the lonely, the losers, the enthusiasts, the admirers, the voyeurs, the long-far-away-aways. I’m not perfect and I really just make everything up as I go along. But I just learn how to copy what other people do. That’s all. I just do my shit, and copy whoever is doing the best at the thingy.
So lo and behold. One of my own “personal essays” about… my inspirations in general, mostly specific to my practice of producing stuff. Like tarot readings. And observation of life experiences.
What has influenced my ideology?
Mythology. The deities and their shenanigans immortalised through narrative. Their personalities and proclivities so prepotent that they transcended continents, countries, cultures, communities and communication.
Every transformation, transmutation and metamorphosis splintered the constellations of their characters and circumstantial kismet. Their identities are fragmented throughout history however their essences remain. Secularism is the new spirituality: the gods of Religion wrestle with the multifaceted figures of the irreligious.
The celestial collective are concealed within the contemporary concepts of ARCHETYPES.
I enjoy reading about mythology. My curiosity is never sated as I inspect the rich tapestry of history to discover the characters and narratives and relationships and manipulations (of both immortals and men) woven into the fabric of human knowledge and recorded memory.
I don’t discriminate, I delight in deities from various pantheons and orders. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have my favourites… I enjoy discerning familiar characteristics and circumstances, drawing parallels between particular personal and planetary pith.
This blog is really just an amalgamation of various mythological entities that I associate with myself, and with each of my family members. I recognise our relationship dynamics and the roles that we play in each others lives; reflective of symbolic relationships, archetypal characters, pairs and symbols.
Ideally, I would like to develop an interactive graphic. The “end look” doesn’t matter as much as the actual function. But how can I expect it t function without an idea of what it will look like? I dont care what it looks like, what is important right now is to get the beginning of the idea out in the open and public.
What has informed me and my methods?
Numerology associations. Mathematical concepts and methods of calculation.
Astrology – the symbolism of the glyphs, the planets, the signs, the modes, the polarities, the elements. types of astrology… synastry, combined charts, past lives, medical, horary, personality, psychology, electional and mundane astrology.
Psychology – mental illness. family history, the uprising of various “diagnoses” and stuff. developmental psychology, learning styles, “brain washing”, hypnosis, trance, brain waves, sublimation, coping mechanisms, cognitive function, memory, brain development, the role of sleep as action and symbol.
History, The future, Philosophy, Religion, spirituality. Various ways of getting up the mountain. Everything is essentially the same, but changes with time.
Mythology – a means of understanding the past, to unlock the secrets to the universe, the reason for existence, the structure of narratives, archetypal energies/entities, the truth and whose version of the truth. confusing interrelationships between the gods, they are all allegory and thus their roles and shit change. depends on the story, the story teller, the meaning, the pantheon, the history, the moment in history. contextual understanding.
Symbolism – semiotics, geometry, gematria, linguistics, morphemes, phonemes, phonetics, kabalah, body language, tone, altar, ritual, divination, belief.