When she was just 17…

If you know what I mean, then you’ll know that the way she smiles disguises her disrepair.

Heathers, the musical – Seventeen

I’m sharing with you something I wrote 858 weeks ago, when I was 17.

Why am i sharing it? Because… I don’t remember. It felt relevant somehow… that I understand what its like to feel depressed, alone and hopeless.

I know what it feels like to be misunderstood, to feel too much and also yet not enough… or perhaps not enough of the “right stuff.”

I hate that I feel, I hate that I think, I hate that I am the extreme of too many things… and each with its own shade of shame I barely know how much is truly me… how can I know what part of this self perception is a delusion, and which ones are ideals? I am just a husk of a woman, animated by whatever illusionary projections I think people want or need me to be.

I have changed a lot since I was a teenager, although part of me feels like I haven’t changed at all… It is difficult to balance my thoughts with the thoughts I think I have… Which sounds ridiculous and not at all sensible.


23 november 2003 @ 00:51

i have no fucking clue what i’m typing about. i’m a fucking moron. yay me.

i’ve not been posting (again) for a little while… because… i don’t know. i’m fucked again. i had a lil cry to [name redacted] over the phone. normally i dont cry (as i try to conceal it as much as possible) when there may be possible contact – of any form. phone, face to face, the next room from people… – but i spoke to him. i guess because i was in the middle of a “sulk”.

i can’t cry like i used to, nor can i express myself through poetry… i can only think and speak, but they are also starting to make less and less sense…

i don’t know quite how to explain it. i’m probably going to be withdrawn from school. and my mother and friends seem so disappointed in me. i’m not even really here. i’m just this physical vessel, void of anything involving the mind.

maybe school isn’t for me. i may be sharp/intelligent (somewhat), but i am most definitely foolish. so many mistakes i’ve made, repeatedly. often.

i want to do something with my life, even have just little goals for me to work towards. but it’s like i’m standing still with what i want in sight, so i’d lift my arm to get it while i walk towards it. that’s how its done, right?

not in my case…

i’m standing still without anything i want in life, trying to make at least a step forward. however, no matter how hard i try and want to get going, i can’t move.

everyone is progressing ahead of me, at different levels of speed (depending on the person and stuff) and i seem to be the only one remaining stationary. i’m not moving forward, nor backward, but i’m not moving at all.

i don’t know how to explain it. but i’ve fucked up and fucking up everything.

i keep saying “maybe a new start will help me get myself back together”, but i’ve tried that and it lasted for 3 days before i started skipping classes again…

i don;t really know what i wrote about, except that i am very very tired and need to get atleast something off my chest.

everyone seems to be like “its ok, its nothing. you’ll get over it.” or “dont get depressed, there’s no reason to be.” but they dont get it! i don’t want to be depressed but no matter what i do, it doesn’t make me feel any better… except when i’m with other people and i’m too pre-occupied making them feel happy, comfortable and all around nifty. but as soon as i am solitary again, i am nothing. no soul or spirit. the “semi functioning consciousness” that actually wrote this post is just her shadow as she fades away into nothing..


If you made it to the end of this circle jerk of solipsistic lamentations, I want you to know that you’re not alone. I know what it’s like to live in the dark shadow of my heart, peeking out through the window panes of my eyes and praying for the end to scoop me up and snuff away my existence…

I still battle these demons now, I duel with them daily. Some days are better than others, but depression is shitty company – a constant reminder of things I forgot to forget.

ANY WAY.

Mental health is not my strong suit. But I’m pretty good at cutting through the bullshit to find kernels of truth. I’m pretty open and forgiving because I wish that was how I could be received… All my friends are around me now. I’m surrounded by love and it gives me hope…

And I know these are all just stories I tell myself… but a girl can only dream, right? Please don’t take that away from me. Let me believe in the lie I’m worth anything…

Don’t listen to me.

One thought on “When she was just 17…

  1. Similar. Very much similar to my 17-20 years… lol.
    I try too much to make people comfortable, but it depresses myself though.
    I dream a lot. I’m still dreaming writing this comment about me in a happy state. About you and I together. It makes me smile though.
    Yesterday, I wrote that email to you. It eased me up and the day went much better. Thank you for being here 🙂

    Like

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